God: The Villain You Didn't Expect

At the moment I am writing this post, it is Easter weekend. The perfect time to write a half-blasphemous, or totally blasphemous, post. This entire article started on the Saturday morning of the weekend where people unwrap chocolate eggs two meters high and weighing eight kilos. My sister and I, as often happens, were having breakfast together. While our brains were trying in vain to get up to speed and actually function (something that, in my case, only happens one day out of three), we were reflecting on the meaning of Easter.

Given my abysmal ignorance, I asked her if Jesus died or rose again on Easter Sunday. Yes, that is the extent of my preparation on ecclesiastical matters. My sister, with the patience of a mother toward a three-year-old, replied, "No, Jesus died on Good Friday and rose again three days later on Sunday."

This detail sent my brain into overload, giving me the cue to write this post. It’s time to talk about how the Church is a hotbed of involuntary comedy and nonsensical contradictions. Why do it? I want to be excommunicated. I want the Swiss Guards to knock on my door; I’ll laugh in their faces at how they dress, and they’ll hand me a Papal Bull. It’s not even that improbable, given that the last person to be excommunicated was Monsignor Milingo, who had married a woman. Let’s just say there’s a good chance I’ll get what I want.

Enjoy the read.

The Resurrection.

Why was Easter Weekend making my brain explode from overwork?

The reasoning with my sister went like this: Jesus croaked on Good Friday. We all know the story: the Stations of the Cross, Golgotha, and death. Then the body was taken to the Holy Sepulchre, and three days later, on Easter Sunday, the Messiah rose. The question my sister and I asked ourselves is: what system did they use to calculate time?

Three days are 72 hours. There’s no arguing that. Let’s say Jesus died in the early afternoon on Friday, at 3:00 PM, let’s say. If we count three days, he should have risen on Monday at 3:00 PM, not Sunday. If we instead count the "check-in" at the Holy Sepulchre on Friday evening, even in that case, it would be Monday evening. Something doesn't add up: either he resurrected three days later, or he did it on Sunday. It’s confusing.

Beyond this question, nobody noticed over the subsequent centuries that someone had made a mistake. All it would have taken was for God to instruct one of the authors of the Bible to proofread what was written and eventually change the "two" to a "three." Obviously, anyone who had read the Bible previously would have to be killed. In these cases, no witnesses. After all, over centuries, no one would have noticed the correction—or the genocide.

Furthermore, the Council of Nicaea—the one that decided which parts of the Bible were legitimate and which were not (by what authority, we are not told)—couldn't they read what was written in the Bible and change it? I assume they gave the texts a read to decide what stayed and what went, or did they decide based on who they liked?

If someone had spent two seconds of their life on this, I wouldn’t be here writing this post.

Adam and Eve.

We know the story. God created Adam from dust and mud. Seeing him multiplying with all the creatures of Eden (Yes, Adam was so horny that any hole would do), He rips out a rib and from it creates the woman: Eve. Eve was created to serve Adam and satisfy his carnal needs. If there are social disparities, this is the real reason. If you think the Church hates women, it’s not true. The Church has done nothing but take what God did and continue His work. For God, if the woman is underneath, everything is fine; side-by-side, there are problems... also because it’s hard to satisfy a man while standing next to him.

Could God not have created Eve the same way He created Adam, instead of ripping a rib out of a human being? Imagine the pain the poor guy felt. All just to have a flesh-and-blood doll.

In Eden, they were having a wild time. Or rather, Eve gave herself completely to Adam. Then Eve eats the apple, brings Adam along, and they are banished from Eden. Maybe Eve knew what she was doing and wanted to get back at God and Adam for being just a container for Adam’s sausage. Since you beat omnipotence with cunning, the only way to screw God over is to break the perfection of His plan.

The Bible, regarding creation, is very clear on this. God created only two human beings. When those two idiots start living in the world, they give birth to two males: Cain and Abel.

Then Cain kills Abel and Cain was banished. Cain, in his exile after much wandering, finds himself in the Land of Nod where he settles ALONE. There, Cain reproduces. Don’t you notice something strange? I have only one question: if we consider Cain a human being who needs a woman to reproduce, because he isn't a self-reproducing being, who did Cain mate with? If God only created Adam and Eve, who did Cain meet? Unless—and I’m just throwing this out there—Eve visited Cain regularly. In either case, the Church owes me some explanations. It’s one of two things: either God created humans outside of Adam and Eve and sent them directly to the lands of Nod (and therefore He needs to explain why they were banished from Eden, since they had done nothing), or Eve and her own son were doing some very bad things.

Mary and Joseph.

From the spring of Easter, we move to chilling our backsides. December 25th is a moment of joy for the Catholic Church. Every year we remember the birth of Baby Jesus, the one who saved humanity from original sin. It’s also a nice time for everyone else, given the disturbing amount of food, paper, and money that is eaten, used, and spent. The birth of Jesus is perhaps the most sadistic act a God could perform.

As we know, humanity was sinful by default. Eve, by eating that damned apple, stained all of humanity with sin—a sin God could have removed because He is omnipotent, but He didn't. If God is omniscient and omnipotent, He could easily have removed original sin with a snap of His fingers. Instead, He chose the long road. Now, aside from the fact that Adam could have just slapped Eve four times and told her, "Woman, don't do stupid things!" and humanity would still be living happily in Eden, why punish all newborns for a sin they didn't commit? He could have banned those two crazies and created a new couple; instead, He decided to punish future generations. The resentment is overflowing here. So much for the God who forgives.

But then, why lead those You created into temptation? Are You telling me You wanted to test them? If I’m not mistaken, You created Adam and Eve in Your image and likeness. Are you telling me God is also fallible? No, wait, "likeness," not "equality." God would never have been fooled by a serpent because God knows everything, while humanity doesn't. Wait, if God knows everything, did He also know that Eve would eat that apple? So was that "test" a pretext to kick humanity out of Eden? Then why create them and have them live there? Oh God, my brain is exploding.

It took millennia, wars, every kind of crime, until we reached Galilee. In that land controlled by the Romans, God decided to remove mortal sin. The reason for the timing is unclear, but better late than never. Sin had to be atoned for by shedding blood. Nothing new. But whose blood? Well, His son’s... a child without blemish and without sin. But how do you give birth to a child without sin in a humanity with sin? Well, since sin is passed down, the mother had to be without sin.

Follow the plan, because it’s diabolical. God found a random pregnant woman. He saw her and said: she’s perfect. For Jesus? No, that woman was expecting a girl. So what He did was remove the sin from the future newborn girl. When the girl was born, God stalked her thoroughly and, when she was ready, impregnated her, and Jesus was born—the child without blemish who would pay for everyone.

Few people would be able to create a more convoluted plan than this. The Church might say, "Oh, but it was the only way!" No, because God makes the rules, so He could have very easily avoided having an innocent woman give birth and sending "His son" to the slaughter. Don't tell me that from the heights of His omnipotence He couldn't find another way... unless He isn't that omnipotent after all.

Even the way the pregnancy is announced is incredible. The Archangel Gabriel came down to Earth, knocked on Joseph’s door—the first cuckold in history—and said to the poor old man, "Bro, your lady is pregnant. In nine months, follow the stars, shove yourselves inside the cave God points out to you, have her give birth in the freezing cold while an ox and a donkey stare at you!"

Joseph opens the door and sees a guy with wings, this guy drops a bomb like that and you say nothing? Insanity. If I had been Joseph, I would have punched that madman. Instead, Joseph accepts it without batting an eye, as if it were almost an honor to know that his partner had sex with God, committing adultery—a crime punished by death at the time. But God doesn't care about that.

The fact remains that Joseph follows Gabriel’s commands to the letter, takes Mary inside a cave, she gives birth, and the rest is history.

Pentecost.

All my life I’ve wondered: why are the apostles always depicted without hair? At first, I thought artists wanted to give a certain sense of "intelligence and wisdom" to the 12 men. Because a man without hair is an intelligent man. That’s not entirely true, but that’s what they say... just as they say bald men have very high testosterone levels. But carnal pleasure is not the theme of this post.

What if the baldness is due to the fact that their hair got burned off? What if it was God who went overboard?

We all know the story of Pentecost. After the death of Jesus, the apostles, with Mary, lock themselves in the Upper Room for fear of seeing their own bodies from below. For days they didn't move from that room. How they survived in that room without food and water is a mystery. A priest might say "with the power of prayer." I tried praying with a growling stomach once, just for fun. What I got was even more hunger, because I was consuming my energy to pray.

After 50 days with practically hermit-like beards and hair as long as Metallica in the '90s, a powerful wind forced its way into the room, knocked everything over, and what appeared before the apostles was the Holy Spirit which, in the form of fire, rested on the heads of the apostles. That day, those men sacrificed their hair for the ability to speak all the languages of the world and preach the word of God. Basically, God handed the apostles the premium version of Babbel. I want that power too. It’s not fair that God has favorites and pets. I know the apostles were tasked with spreading His word in the world, but I also want to speak all the languages of the world. It’s easier to pick up girls!

And then, if you think about it, this power wasn't a great thing. Just look at how all the apostles ended up. Practically all of them died executed in the worst possible ways—some stoned, some crucified upside down. Maybe it was better to keep the hair, stay out of that room, and change identities.

God vs. Jesus vs. Fire.

As far as I know, God is Jesus’s dad. Let’s skip Joseph, since he did nothing significant for the Catholic religion. The only thing he did was get the donkey to carry Mary to give birth in pain. Nothing more.

According to the Bible, God is the one who created everything and knows everything, while Jesus is the one who came out of Mary, who then died at 33, but not before indoctrinating 12 people, one of whom would found the Church of God. If you go to Mass, which I haven't done for at least 25 years, the formula is always "Jesus, Son of God." Up to this point, everything is fine.

And yet, when they talk about Mary, they say "Mary, Mother of God." At this point, the Church lost me. The question arises spontaneously: who is God and who is Jesus? Because they can't be the same person. Or is the Church so confused that it says one thing and then forgets it the next day? When I was little and I heard "God sacrificed Himself on the cross for us," it always confused me. So Jesus is God? Furthermore, if God and Jesus are the same thing, then God sent Himself to Earth to get killed by us, to convince Himself to forgive us for a sin He invented?

Or is Jesus a shapeshifter who turns into God like Eminem and Slim Shady? When things are chill, Slim Shady appears (Jesus), but when the situation gets serious, Jesus takes the form of God, so Eminem.

I didn't understand what the Church was saying until I thought about Marvel’s Ultron. If you think about it, he was also God distributing his existence to thousands of robots. The same thing could happen to God: when it suited Him, He possessed Jesus, making him do incredible things, such as miracles, and moving him like a puppet. It wouldn't surprise me if Jesus came down to Earth and said, "People, I have no idea how I multiplied the fish!"

Which leads me straight to a fascinating concept: could God possess human beings? Well, for someone who professes free will, it’s not exactly a consistent move. So, just to be fair: God can possess people and make them kill, but if the devil does it out of boredom or amusement, then that’s not okay?

Things get complicated with the Trinity. If the dualism of God and Jesus is somewhat strange, let’s go with the triangle. Christian dogma is simple: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Until I wrote this post, I was convinced they were three distinct entities with three specific tasks. In my head, it was like talking about a boss and two deputies.

What I discovered is that they are three identities, but only one. According to the doctrine, they are three "pieces" of God that added up make one. Each of them is 100% God. So, mathematically: 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. We know that God and Jesus are two different things, but they can fuse, like Goku and Vegeta. The more I think about it, the more I get a headache.

Which theoretically means that God created everything, but God was reborn with Jesus, God balded the apostles by taking control of the Holy Spirit, and together with it, He flew through the skies of Galilee inside an albino pigeon with a branch in its hand.

Frankly, the whole thing is so chaotic that I was even doubting my own existence.

Communion.

Mass is an incredible torture. Living in Italy, the liturgy was very strict. It’s a good thing the masses at the time were in Italian, because in the past they were in Latin. It would have been nice to have those African-American churches where they sing, dance, and shout. At least I would have had some fun. Instead, I had to endure rhetoric and a ceremony bordering on narcolepsy.

Those few times I went to mass, the priest—with almost mythological solemnity and slowness—would take the chalice and pour wine into it, drinking it, then he would give the host to the faithful in line. At that precise moment, the faithful "drank the blood of Christ and ate his body." So the Church promotes cannibalism.

But how terrifying is it to know that you are eating a man and that the Church itself finds this absolutely normal? If someone tries to bite me, I’ll slap them so hard they’ll travel through time. In the Catholic Church, it’s seen as sacrifice and love.

But I imagine the apostles who, during the Last Supper, started drinking human blood and eating human flesh, as if they were eating grilled ribs and sausages. And here I was thinking I was repellent for licking my wounds. Those twelve crazies ate a man. And what if it was a way for Jesus to avoid Golgotha? Let’s think about it for a second: if the apostles eat Jesus, nothing of Jesus remains, so no reason to crucify anyone. Anyway, since God was omnipotent, He could bring Jesus back to life under a new identity. A bulletproof plan.

The incredible thing is that I too took part in that cannibalistic ritual, taking part in communion to be introduced into the Catholic community. What a horrible and disgusting thing. In my defense, I was forced by the Catholic morality of a country that has nothing Catholic about it.

God the Merciful?

I left this chapter for the end because it talks about the big boss—the one, none, and a hundred thousand. The one who splits, triples, and reunites. The one who sees all, hears all, knows all, and can do all, but does nothing. Furthermore, it is said that God is merciful and forgives even the most serious sins. Are we really sure about that?

Let’s take a quick look at all the merciful acts of our God.

He puts Eve to the test with the apple. He knows Eve would fall into the trap, because God knows everything, and He punished her for her disobedience. When Cain kills Abel, there is no forgiveness, only exile.

After humanity expands (still unclear how), God doesn't like it. So He orders a man to create an Ark, a pair of every animal (chosen at random) gets on it. Then God makes it rain 60 days and 60 nights. All humanity, all fauna and flora left outside the ark die, and in the end, the world can restart.

Two cities (Sodom and Gomorrah) are having a good time. God doesn't like that they are having sexual fun, so God bombards the two cities with rays of light, levels them to the ground, and everyone who looks at that light is turned into statues of salt.

He orders a father (Abraham) to take his son to the top of a mountain to sacrifice him in God’s name, just to see if he "really cares about Him." When God notices that Abraham is a madman and was really intent on slitting his son’s throat on the altar, God stops him and says, "Ehm, I was kidding! I didn't think you’d take it seriously!"

There was no love lost between the Egyptians and the Hebrews. To be fair, the Egyptians used the Hebrews as slaves. God didn't like it. Humanity could go extinct, but the Hebrews were not to be touched. To convince the Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go, not only does God kill all the Egyptian firstborns in one night, but He launches the seven plagues to ruin an entire Kingdom. To convince one man, God was willing to kill all human beings (humans who, according to the Church, are all loved by God equally). The Bible specifies that God Himself "hardened the Pharaoh’s heart" to make him say no, so He would have an excuse to send the plagues. In practice, He created the culprit so He could carry out the sentence.

Not to mention Moses, a very old man who, with just the imposition of a staff, splits the Red Sea in two. Not even Voldemort’s Elder Wand could do that.

This one is a gem. A group of 42 kids teases the prophet Elisha because he is bald (back to the baldness theme!). God, to protect the honor of the "sacred bald head," sends two she-bears that maul all 42 children. Yes, we are talking about children. He could have waited for their mothers to slap them; instead, He thought to spill their blood.

Not to mention all the absurd orders He gave to the various populations in the Bible who, in His name, slaughtered and killed each other like never before in history. When you read the Old Testament, I wonder how it was possible for the Church to allow the printing and distribution of those unspeakable atrocities, yet Galileo was forced to recant everything for discovering the truth about the solar system.

Final Reflections.

The Catholic Church is nice. The faith is nice. It’s nice that I stay as far away as possible.

Now I address the Vatican: if you want to send me an excommunication, contact me on Instagram. I will be happy to give you my address, frame that piece of paper, and take a selfie with it.

M.