The war of the sexes is one of those themes that consistently causes problems. It shouldn’t be an issue anymore, yet it is. This says a lot about how humanity hasn't moved an inch for centuries. Whether a man or a woman starts it makes no difference: once it begins, you enter a minefield, blindfolded and drunk, always ending up arguing and insulting the other side.

I, not being particularly bright and prone to inserting myself into discussions I should probably stay out of, have decided to talk about something that divides men and women in a structural way: marriage.

You see, read, and hear everything imaginable about marriage: people who cheat and emerge victorious from the divorce settlement, others who get bored and quit, or couples who explode due to an internal war that could no longer be controlled. Why, in this historical period, does marriage not last? It’s not just "fresh" couples divorcing shortly after the wedding; even couples with 20 years of marriage behind them give up and go their separate ways. Women blame men, and men blame women. What I wonder is, who is right? Which of the two factions is correct: the romanticism of a woman or the male fear?

Marriage According to the Bride.

A woman lives her love life following "vibes." She doesn't often reason using logic but rather follows the emotions she feels. In a relationship, this characteristic is absolutely visible. How many women out there tend to throw themselves into the strangest relationships just because "their heart tells them to dive in" (even if that dive should be understood as falling into a ditch, given how toxic the relationship will be)? Trust me, there are enough cases to give other women the opportunity to start a business in social criticism. I’m not inventing anything: it’s all documented on social media.

A woman’s vision of love is rather simple: fall in love, receive a ring, and have the wedding. And the "after"? That is to say, what is supposed to happen after the wedding? Let’s take it step by step.

"I'm in love."

A woman is in constant search of the first piece of the trinity. She wants to fall head over heels in love and feel desired both mentally and physically. So, she does everything to attract male attention, even employing questionable tactics. The saying is very clear: all is fair in love and war.

When she finds him and falls in love, everything goes well for the first few months: you are so intoxicated by love that you understand nothing. Colors are more vivid, flavors more intense, and life seems to have a different meaning. Suddenly, that inexplicable void is filled, and you wonder how it was possible to survive without the security of that love.

Then something happens: the more time passes, the more the relationship settles and becomes a routine. And it is a completely logical and natural event: a relationship, of any nature, tends to experience a peak moment (the novelty), then settles and stabilizes at a "cruising speed." You cannot constantly run at a thousand miles per hour; there will be moments of "exhaustion" or "monotony."

But this is not a logical or natural event for a woman. This routine, in the minds of some women, is scary because it means the relationship is dying, risking the loss of everything worked for up to that point. It might not even be true, but when fear knocks on the door, reality distorts. It is imperative to eliminate boredom and monotony from the equation.

"Will you marry me?"

At that point, there is a push to exit that "dark path." And it is the moment the second piece of the "perfect relationship" presents itself. At first, it was an acquaintance, then falling in love; now it’s time for the final step: the leap in quality, namely the proposal of a life together, celebrated with a white dress.

That relationship, which has lasted for some time now, must—in the female mind—make the leap in quality; otherwise, one wonders about the point of the relationship, even if the couple has never been healthier or more in tune and is already living together.

However, a woman will never say it openly. Instead, she will say that "the relationship is at a dead end, and I see no future for us unless we get married." In this distorted vision of the world, in the eyes of a woman, a man who doesn't commit (meaning, doesn't ask for her hand) is a man who doesn't want to take risks and doesn't want to be tied down, always keeping an escape route open—even if the man is already tied hand and foot to that woman because he is madly in love.

So he, in order not to lose her, proposes. I’d bet 100 euros: not all men are convinced by that proposal. In fact, perhaps no one is completely convinced. A man proposes to not lose what he has. At that point, a woman, who had been waiting for that moment for years, accepts the proposal—not because she is in love, but for the simple fact that the couple has exited the monotony; there is a "plan for the future," and finally something to explore. It’s as if you were playing a video game and the developer released an update.

From that moment on, the woman has something new, and those early-day emotions have returned. Planning the wedding becomes the foundation for a life of love (as if it weren't before). She supervises everything, she decides everything (even his suit), and everything revolves around her. That day is "her perfect day," where she must perceive "the meaning of eternal love!" It is she who wants that day, not him. He would get married at the city hall, in a bar, or in front of a grill. He doesn't care about the place, as long as it represents the couple and the relationship. None of this matters to a woman. She wants the white dress, guests, location, dancing, and everything imaginable in a wedding because that is the beginning of eternal love. That moment must absolutely represent the end of monotony and the start of a constant new adventure.

From the outside, it is obvious that the wedding has nothing to do with the celebration of love, because wedding planning has nothing to do with love. It is just a war of nerves and a race against time. There is absolutely nothing romantic about it. I see it only as a very expensive hobby to kill boredom.

"The tomb of love!"

Then the wedding arrives; finally, the third piece falls into place and the puzzle is complete. Life feels full, the ceremony is grand, and hundreds of photos are taken. She is happy and cannot wait to start that lifelong adventure where there are so many things to discover. In the evening, or the next day, they leave for the honeymoon in a beautiful place, and, finally, they return home. Those four walls are the beginning of the end for the couple.

The problem with marriage, for a woman, is that the ceremony is like being under the influence of hallucinogens: before and during the ceremony, one sees a life that doesn't exist; once the ceremony is over and thus the hallucinogenic effect ends, one sees reality for what it is—which is to say, it is the same relationship as before the wedding, the one made of monotony that they tried to escape. When the woman discovers this and realizes it, she will try in every way to avoid boredom. Some women will want to take classes, throw themselves into their careers, use their husbands to do things, or, in extreme cases, seek a child, thinking all this can save something. All of this is just a clumsy way of not admitting the reality of the facts: that a lasting relationship is a "boring" relationship, in the sense that it is based on a routine that repeats itself and is always present, no matter what you do. You cannot escape, and it is impossible for every day to be like the first. That eternal adventure is just the imagination of a mind not ready to face the truth.

When she realizes that the marriage effectively means nothing (because it’s just a ring on a finger, changing nothing about the pre-marriage relationship), she will accuse him of not being a good husband, of neglecting the relationship, of doing nothing to "keep the spark of love alive," and she will ask for a divorce.

Divorce becomes the final act of that search for emotions: after having tried marriage and a child, the total destruction of the family is the only jolt left to feel alive again.

Marriage According to the Groom.

For him, marriage is a prison from which you exit either dead or with broken bones. I know it sounds like one of those clichés you hear on social media, but it is a reality people don't want to see.

The feelings and emotions a woman has when thinking about marriage do not exist on the male side. The engagement is subtle blackmail, and the wedding is the fear of losing everything. But let’s go in order.

I ask for her hand out of fear.

I wrote earlier that for a woman, engagement is a means to ward off that sense of a "dead relationship," putting pressure on the man with the excuse of "I want you to show me you're serious." He doesn't understand this request, because in his heart, only one person exists. He is already in "marriage mode," and it makes no difference if there is a ring on the finger or not. What matters to him is that emotional and physical attachment he feels, as well as sharing his life in all its aspects.

However, he understands that for her it is "fundamental" to have a very expensive proof of his love. Therefore, in order not to lose her, he spends thousands of dollars on a ring, gets on one knee, and proposes. I’m not saying he doesn't want to be with her forever—he has already chosen her. I’m just saying that request is often not made spontaneously but always follows that veiled ultimatum from his woman: either you marry me, or I leave you, because you aren't being serious.

Peace vs. Madness.

Even the wedding itself is a colossal rip-off. She plans, she chooses, and he accepts and often pays. I know that in some families, it’s her family that pays, but in other cases, it is he who pays for everything. The scene from Friends between Chandler and Monica is iconic and describes well what happens: she is happy because she is planning HER most beautiful day of HER life (passing it off as a couple's day), while he has to watch the bank account go to zero for a wedding that is absolutely exaggerated andoften not even wanted that much.

He takes part in that ceremony, which he doesn't care about at all, just to make her happy. As I said before, a man could get married on the beach, with exactly ten people, with the grill going, and it would perhaps be the best day of his life. However, the rhetoric is always the same: "happy wife, happy life!" Since she wants to go overboard because for her it’s the first step in a continuous adventure, he accepts, thinking he's making her happy, when in truth, he is only fueling a sadistic game. If she were under the effect of acid, she would have perfectly clear vision and mind.

Back from the honeymoon, he starts living again as he has always lived, aware of what the relationship is: a marathon at a steady pace. The wedding was just a surreal and expensive parenthesis. Man is a pragmatic being who doesn't follow emotions but logic. He knows that a lasting relationship is based on repetitiveness, and he is perfectly fine with it because it gives him certainty and stability, being a creature that follows peace. The fact that there is a ring on the finger or one more person at home does not change the perspective or the nature of his existence.

When he sees his wife going crazy looking for a thousand ways to change things, he doesn't understand what is happening and doesn't understand his wife’s requests, because for him that relationship is perfect. Conceptually, what a woman asks for is incomprehensible to a man. When a woman demands mystery, surprises, romanticism, unpredictability, and a pinch of drama, the ground crumbles beneath the man's feet. However, for the sake of the couple and for a quiet life, he tries to please her in any way. Unfortunately, he will fail, because a man is not capable of satisfying all his wife’s requests. A man only goes so far—until he sees his peace threatened by an unpredictable and exhausting lifestyle, which is exactly what a woman wants.

The end of the drama.

At that point, he realizes he has failed; she feels trapped and hands him the divorce papers. This is where the drama occurs. Until that moment, he takes care of all the expenses: mortgage, debts, bills, and other costs. She, despite working, rarely contributes financially because "my money is my money and the man must provide!"

With the divorce, he loses the house and the car (which he will continue to pay for); he might also lose the children and everything he worked hard to obtain or build. Furthermore, he must provide child support and alimony. As if that weren't enough, he must find another place to live.

For a man, it is less expensive and dangerous to hire an escort for a thousand euros a month than to get married. Ugly to say? Yes, but this is the truth.

Small Reflections.

In conclusion, who is right? Probably no one. The woman chases an emotional epiphany that a signed contract cannot give her, and the man accepts a contract whose clauses he doesn't read for fear of being alone.

Marriage today seems to have become a game of chess where she plays to change the rules and he plays to not lose his pieces. Perhaps the secret is not figuring out who is right but understanding that as long as we see the other as an opponent to "trap" or a "jailer" to defend ourselves against, the only winner will remain the divorce lawyer. And he, you can be sure, is never bored.

If you have made it this far and are still convinced you want to get married... well, at least don't say I didn't warn you.

M.